judah: 4-5 months old

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documenting this lil’ man’s growth through photos has gotta be one of the best motherhood decisions i’ve made thus far (lol). ever since i resumed work, photo-taking has become harder and more rare than ever before. i have to keep reminding myself to seize every opportunity that i can find to snap pictures of him, even when it's just one or two. and as he grows more and more active by the day, it has become almost impossible to have the perfect setup now. so whenever he’s in a good mood and there’s sunlight shining in to our room, it’s photo time!

so yeah! here’s our judahboi in his 4th and 5th month on earth :)

judah: 3 months old

3 months.

the days pass by slowly, but the months – too quickly. in just a blink of an eye, it’s now his 3rd month on earth. he’s still as smiley as ever, if not more, and we’re more in love with him each day. he looks at us like we’re his heroes, and that inspires us to become a better us at every chance we get.

milestones include:
+ having baby conversations with us
+ being an official pro at flipping himself over from tummy time to lying down flat
+ trying to master his flip back to tummy time from lying down flat
+ looking around intensely when he’s at a new place
+ waking up by himself in the morning without crying and just play in the cot until we greet him good morning
+ falling sick for the very first time – stomach flu, to be exact. took him 2 weeks to completely recover from vomiting and diarrhea
+ officially a daycare goer!
+ caught a cold right after his first day at daycare. but doctor said it’s completely normal as he’s now exposed to more kids and adults on a long-hour basis. but he fought through the blocked nose and eventually runny nose like a champ and is now fully well!

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my 16-hour labor story.

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motherhood is a strange thing.

it is something that many people around you have been through and would have given you some advice about that subject in one way or another. yet, you'll never be able to fully grasp it until you're in it yourself – it is something no one can ever prepare you enough for.

i had a rather tough labor with judah:
+ 16 hours of active labor
+ was told that epidural had run out only to find out later on (14 hours later, to be exact) that it was actually available. the only thing that wasn't available is an element in the epidural that makes it take effect immediately. so, instead of feeling the effect of epidural immediately once it's administered, i will have to wait for an hour for it to do its magic. but when i found out about it, it was all too late and all i could do was to dream of how good my life would have been for the past 14 hours if i had my good friend 'epi' by my side. but i could only dream...
+ felt all the contractions that came in like a huge ass truck that was running over my body over and over again in a speed and intensity that only got faster and stronger as time passed. my contractions were at a max  of 100 (in the CTG reading) for 2 hours straight, and i only had a breathing space of 5-10 seconds in between those excruciating contractions. 
+ it took me 8 hours to dilate from 4cm to 5cm, and it was stuck at 5cm for the next 8 hours (cries). the doctor came in to check my dilation every 4 hours. dilation checks were my worst nightmare (worse than some of my contractions to be honest), and i dreaded it every. single. time. there has got to be a better way of checking. somebody please invest in the R&D for this so that women who are already going through labour pain won't have to endure the extra pain of having a whole fist stuffed up their you-know-what. 
+ my waterbag had broken for more than 12 hours and it was getting dangerous for baby to stay in there. and since i wasn't dilating, doctor called for an emergency c-section. 
+ the operating theatre wasn't available just yet, so i had to wait another 45mins before i was wheeled in. so yes, that's another 45mins of contractions at a maximum intensity. 
+ in the OT, doctor tried administering the spinal block (an anesthesia that's injected directly into the sac that surrounds your spinal cord to numb the lower part of your body. thank you google) into my body through my spine, but she couldn't find the right spine. according to the doctor, in order to know if it's the right spine, when the needle goes in, some liquid has to come out (sorry guys, i'm clueless when it comes to all things medical). the whole process took more than 30 minutes, and the whole time i was sitting on the operating table hugging a huge plastic ball (it was to help curve my back so they can find my spine better) while battling through the contractions. each time a contraction happens, they have to take a break because my whole body gets so tense that they can't poke my back.
+ so after trying for 30 minutes and poking me for more than 20 times, they said to me "sorry ma'am, we can't seem to find the right spine. the liquid just isn't coming out. so, we have to knock you out." so yes, after all braving through all the poking + crazy contractions in a freezing cold OT, the grand ending to my labor was...general anaesthetic. 
+ they knocked me out, and judah was out within 30mins. 

i had no skin-to-skin time with him whatsoever. when i was wheeled back into my ward, i was so drowsy i could barely keep my eyes open for 5 seconds. the first person i saw was sung.

me: how's baby? is baby okay?
him: yes dear, baby is okay. they're bathing him in the nursery now. he's very cute!
me: okay that's good...

after 10 seconds of complete silence

me: is it over? can you please tell me it's over??
him: yes, it's over dear. it's all over. baby is out. you did it, dear!!
me: (bursts out in tears)

seeing me cry, he cried too. so there you have it, two grown adults bawling their eyes out in a shared ward with no baby in sight. my neighbours must be thinking something bad happened to our baby when in actual fact we're just two grown adults struggling to contain our overwhelming emotions.

i burst out crying because throughout my entire 16-hour labor, i didn't cry, scream or shout a single bit. i kept telling myself, "it's gonna be over soon. just hang in there, gladys. don't worry, it's gonna be over soon." little did i know that 'soon' could mean 16 hours. so when i saw sung, knowing that baby is out, and i'm finally free from contractions – i had to double confirm with him that it was all over, for real. that cry had to be the most complex cry ever: i was upset with my body for not cooperating (Y U NO DILATE?!), relieved that the contractions are now gone forever (or at least until my next birth), happy that baby is out and healthy, sad because i was in pain, but super happy to know that it's all over and i did it. 

so yeap, that's my birth story. 

i stayed in the hospital (UMMC) for another 3 days after giving birth because judah had jaundice. his readings were quite high one night he needed two phototherapy machines when all the other babies only used one. it was a whole new level of challenge for me as my wound was hurting, yet i had to keep carrying judah in and out of the bassinet to feed him (they get dehydrated when they're under the light for a prolonged period, and also because only breastmilk can help the jaundice subside) – all this without sung by my side, because the hospital has a strict no-husband-staying-over rule. the visiting hours were 12-2pm & 5-8pm. so sung could only help me for 5 hours in a day. 

being a brand new mom who had to get used to breastfeeding, taking care of a hurting surgery wound and nursing a baby with jaundice – all these coupled with a whirlwind of emotions coming at me like another huge ass truck. when the doctor told me, "sorry, your baby's jaundice level is still high, you'll need to stay another night.", guess what i did? yeap, you're right. i bawled my eyes out (again). i shall not go through all my eye-bawling moments here lest you become depressed from reading a blog. i've read about these postpartum struggles during my pregnancy and i was even preparing myself for it. but then again, like i said, no one can ever prepare you enough for what's to come until you're in it yourself. yes, not even 'you' can prepare you enough.

so after a week of being in the hospital and not seeing sunlight, we finally discharged! "You can go home today" have gotta be the most beautiful words i've heard in my life. 

us at the ward, just before going home. we asked the nurse to take this picture for us (even though we looked super unglam) because we wanted to document this priceless moment of going home as a family:

judah's first day in this world:

second day:

first night at home:

oh, and you know what's the strange thing about giving birth? even though the pain and contractions were excruciating, i can hardly remember how it felt like. people tell me labor pain is like period pain x10, but i think it's x50 or maybe more. but when i try to recall how the pain and contractions felt like, i can hardly describe it. i no longer cringe at the thought of my labor (i cringed real hard in my first week whenever i thought about it). perhaps that's why women would give birth to more than one child. that's the beauty (and/or irony) of motherhood, i guess? God sure does have a good sense of humour and wisdom. He must have given all mothers a tiny dose of memory loss – tiny enough to still remember the whole process, yet just enough dosage to forget the details of the pain. 

but with all that said, if you're reading this and you're still single or do not have a child yet, please don't let my experience scare you into thinking that giving birth is hell. it is, well, a very intense experience. but i have no regrets going through whatever i went through. if my labor experience were to be shared to me by someone else, i'd have thought to myself "OMG i can't do this." but because i went through it, i can tell you that (as cliche as it might sound) if i can do it, you can too. i believe God gives mothers special grace to brave through the whole pregnancy and labor process like an extraordinary human, and i mean it! so yes, don't worry and get too ahead of yourself. just embrace it when it comes and you'll emerge a champ. trust me.

so, was the 16-hour labor worth it? this is my answer:

even if i had to endure another 16 hours, it would do it. for this ^

hello, judah.

0-1 month

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hi world, i'd like to introduce you my son – judah tan zhi xiang. he was born on the 30th of June 2018, weighing at 3.43kg and he was 50cm in height. he's our answered prayer, a miracle and a precious gift from above. he loves his milk (a lot), loves to shower (never cries a single bit), and he's a champ in doing tummy time. below are some of my favourite pictures of him :)

mummy and daddy love you so much, son.

when normal is actually good

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Yesterday, Sung and i went for our first check-up at UMMC. Our gynae recommended UMMC to us saying that most of her patients who deliver there have good reports about the hospital. And since the delivery cost there is very much affordable and the facilities are decent, it didn't take us long before to decide that this was gonna be the hospital for us to deliver #lildotdot in.

Ok, back to our check-up. They did a detailed scan on #lildotdot (for only RM51 by the way), and it made us realise so many things in which we've taken for granted. The sonographer took her time in scanning my stomach and i must say it is by far the longest scan we've had. It feels so good to know that the sonographer isn't rushing through the scan to get her job over and done with, but is actually professional, thorough and detailed. Initially we thought it was just gonna be a normal quick scan, but turns out we were shown most of baby's vital organs during the scan.

These were the words of our sonographer:

"Okay, this is the baby's kidney.....here's one.....and here's another one. Ok, so baby has two kidneys."

"And this is his hand, and this is another hand. Here's his foot, and here's another foot."

"This is the blood and oxygen flow through your baby's heart. Heart is pumping well, and the structure of the heart looks normal."

"This is his brain, the size is all okay. The brain is normal."

"This is the side of his face, and here is his upper lip. His lips look okay, means he has no cleft lip."

"Okay, so your baby is normal lah. You can go outside and collect your scan report."

"Your baby is normal"

On our way out to collect the report, Sung and i were just so amazed and stunned at the same time. We were amazed and impressed by the scan equipment, details of the scan and the sonographer. But what made us stunned was when we realised how much we have taken things for granted before this. I mean, what makes us think that just because baby's heart is beating, he will by default have 2 kidneys, 2 legs, 2 hands, a good heart structure and a normal upper lip? These were things that we literally took for granted. From this experience we learned to be even more grateful for the gift of life that has been entrusted to us. Despite of our ignorance, God has been (and still is) working so miraculously behind the scenes to grow baby to its complete form. 

I'm now 31 weeks into my pregnancy! And #lildotdot is more active than ever before, kicking and stretching in my tummy when he hears our voice and when i eat McD ice-cream. Hahahaha. I kid you not. We found out that he especially loves listening to Sung's voice because he becomes extra active when Sung speaks/prays/reads to him. Every night, we will try to spend some time with him before going to bed and strange enough, he is always most active then. Perhaps he looks forward to spending time with us too. Heh.

From time to time, i get asked if i'm ready to be a mom. My honest answer? I don't think i'll ever be 100% ready – i don't think anyone will ever be that ready. It is almost the same thing as getting married. You will never be 100% ready for marriage until you're actually married. And when you are, you just learn to embrace whatever comes your way – be it good or bad, happy or challenging – one day at a time. So my aim is to not overwhelm myself with things that are yet to happen, but do what i can in my best ability to prepare myself in this present time. Some ways that i prepare myself is by reading books: practical 'baby bible' books to equip myself with life skills and Christian motherhood books to prepare myself for the battles ahead that are non-physical. Because we fear what we do not know, hence gaining the right knowledge is so crucial especially in this season. But of course, there's always a struggle with information overload by 'over-Googling'. I'm still learning how to not overload myself with unnecessary information, and it certainly doesn't help that it's so accessible! 

So yeap, that's my pregnancy update thus far! We have an English name for baby already, but the Chinese name though... we're still pretty much clueless. Sorry #lildotdot, your parents are hopeless Chinese. Give us some time and we will come up with a kick-ass Chinese name for you. Soon enough. We hope. Will think of something before you're born. Or...maybe a week after is fine too. Somewhere along that timeline. Ok bye!